My child starts kindergarten soon and I'm worried he isn't ready. What actually matters?

Please put the flashcards down. I spent years in a preschool classroom, and I want to tell you honestly what teachers actually notice in September — because it is almost never the alphabet.

What teachers really look for

In the first weeks, the children who settle well are usually the ones who can do some version of these:

• Separate from a parent and recover within a few minutes — not without tears, just recovering
• Follow a two-step instruction — "put your bag on the hook and come to the carpet"
• Ask an adult for help out loud, rather than freezing or melting down
• Manage the bathroom mostly independently, including the buttons
• Wait a short time without falling apart
• Open their own lunch — genuinely, this one comes up constantly
• Cope with being told no, and with not going first

Notice what is not on that list. Reading. Writing his name neatly. Counting to a hundred. Those are what school is for. A child who arrives able to ask for help and recover from disappointment will learn to write his name in October. A child who can write his name but cannot ask for the toilet is going to have a much harder autumn.

What to work on in the next few weeks

1. Practise the goodbye, not the academics. Short separations that end reliably — twenty minutes with a grandparent, an hour at a friend's. Every one is evidence that you come back.

2. Rehearse the specific sentences. "I need the bathroom." "I don't understand." "Can I play?" Practise them as a game. A child who has said the words at home is far more likely to produce them in a room of twenty strangers.

3. Do a dress rehearsal. Walk or drive the route. Look at the building. Find the door and, if you can, the bathroom. Familiar geography lowers the temperature enormously on day one.

4. Practise the lunchbox. The actual box, the actual containers. Let him open everything himself. Then send food you know he can open and will eat — the first week is not the moment for a new lunch philosophy.

5. Shift the sleep now, not the night before. Move bedtime earlier by ten minutes every few days. Tired is the single biggest predictor of a hard first month.

6. Talk about it honestly, without overselling. Not "it's going to be amazing!" — that sets up a fall. Something truer: "Some of it will be fun and some of it will feel strange. That's normal. I'll be there at the end."

About the accidents and the crying

Both are ordinary at this age, and both usually improve once the routine is established. Tell the teacher matter-of-factly before day one and send spare clothes. Teachers are not surprised by this — they are surprised when nobody warns them.

And the crying at drop-off: keep the goodbye short, identical every day, and never sneak out. Slipping away avoids the tears and costs you the trust.

If your child is more active or more distractible than most

Tell the school before the year starts rather than waiting for the first phone call. Not as a confession — as useful information: what helps him, what sets him off, what has worked at preschool. Ask about movement opportunities and where he will sit. A teacher who has this in August can plan; a teacher who discovers it in October is already firefighting.

Expect a hard few weeks, and expect the collapse at home

Most children hold it together at school and fall apart the moment they see you. That is not a bad sign — it is the bill for a day of effort, and it usually settles by half term. Keep the first hour after pickup quiet, with food and no questions.

When to look further

If distress is not easing after several weeks, if he is refusing to go, if the teacher raises concerns about language or attention, or if there is a marked gap between him and his classmates in a specific area, talk to the teacher and then your paediatrician. Early is easier, and asking a question is not labelling your child.

What I would want you to hold onto: the readiest child in that classroom is not the one who can already read. It is the one who believes an adult will help him if he asks.